Single life is full of slights and indignities. What are the meanings behind those microaggressions, and how should single people respond to them?
What do all these examples have in common?
· Getting asked questions such as “Why are you still single?” or “Just one?”
· Getting invited by couples to lunch but not dinner, outings on weekdays but not weekends, kids’ birthday parties but not movies with grown-ups.
· Getting assigned to the kids table at Thanksgiving, the singles table at weddings, or, as a guest in another person’s home, the couch in the living room instead of a bedroom with a door that shuts.
They are all among the countless everyday slights that are pervasive in the lives of single people. I chose those examples because they are recognizable. But single people all have their own unique experiences. For example, at a social event, a perfect stranger approached me and said, “You’re single? My daughter’s Girl Scout troop needs a new leader. You’d be perfect!”
When I first started paying attention to these slights several decades ago, I did not realize there was a name for them. It is “microaggressions.” They are part of the broader category I call “singlism,” which also includes more serious instances of the stereotyping, stigmatizing, and marginalizing of single people and the discrimination against them.
I have been writing about the microaggressions of single life for many years. Sometimes I respond to the people who perpetrate them. But each time I do, I hold my breath, because I know I am at risk for getting pummeled for taking the small stuff seriously.
“How to respond to microaggressions,” an article by Hahna Yoon in the New York Times, provides a terrific, thoughtful discussion of the many considerations involved in deciding what to do (or not do) when you are the target of microaggressions. I’m going to draw from her article repeatedly.
In a way, though, I’m on my own. It is rarely recognized that single people are targets of microaggressions. Yoon, for instance, said:
“Microaggressions are often discussed in a racial context, but anyone in a marginalized group — be it as a result of their gender, sexual…
